Corset Back

Ahh, so it's been a while. I missed you all. I really wish I had more time in a day to pause and catch you all up. The mate of my soul, has done more than any other "fiancée`", I have ever had. I am grateful to God for he is just the man for my soul. Even through my weakness, God still reminds me that He, God Himself is in control.

I am in a better place now on the natural side of the realm and I am even further than in my spirit and I have no one, but God to thank for this. The date has been set for us to get married Jan.3, 2010. In setting the date to the 3rd, I had not naturally realized just how much more of symbolism 3 is. A three string cord, love is the bond of perfection, and Love is what bonds us. The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost. My chocolate drop said he can't wait. Now, allow me to shed a little light for you.

I just started working a little over a month or so ago, and I received a text message from him, "How about Jan. 1?” I was in the middle of training and let me tell you my job is a real task and the assignment is worth every dollar I am paid. There is a real reason why people who get paid more money are glad to go home at the end of the day. So, it is obvious to say not only did his text catch me off guard, my train of thought also stumbled. My chest started pounding, mind started racing, and the day seemed to speed slightly faster than before he texted.

Well, naturally if there is anything that can go against a plan it usually does. His thought for wanting to have our wedding on New Year’s Day was meant for a symbolism in relation to the "New Year’s Resolution". So, I settled, and not a moment too soon after we announced this to our Pastor only to find out our Co-Pastor sister is getting married on the same day and he wouldn't be able to marry us. I suppose God will bless us still through the wait of two days.

Love has blessed us, I a pray that Love blesses you.

Missing Mom already

Missing my mom has always been a feeling that I have suppressed. It has been three months since I last saw her in person (web cam. few times). Well, let me shed a little bit of light on my thoughts for a moment.

Okay here we go, growing up we didn't have the normal (mother and daughter don't get along) relationship. We had strains of different colors, let's just say as I told her (finally) earlier this year, I learned life backwards through her. There were reasons why I use to take certain situations or conversations so seriously as far as attitude goes. As the saying goes, "you dismiss what you don't understand."

My mom has always been outspoken and "had to be right" all the time. NO. Not like some of you may be thinking, I mean really stubborn, like some of you may be thinking. For her being wrong, isn't something she will own up to. Until, I reached the stage in my own life were, my communication with others were becoming more clearer and not as harsh as I once was. As, I told her when she and I finally begin having mother daughter conversations, I started noticing a lot of her ways in me and I didn't like it. I was shutting people out, letting good people go, and holding on to the "friends" and "boyfriends" that meant me no sort of good. She asked me, "How?" and for the growth of me, I was prepared to tell her by doing as Jesus would do. In parables. Most of my moms baggage needless to say stemed from corrupt relationships. She always wanted to see the good in people and believed in giving her 'man' (used loosely) time after time after time after, well you get the point, to get himself right.

I can only give and share what I have and have learned from myself. I often heard her tell me those words in a different way when I was growing up, more like "I'm only telling you this cause I love you." And, "I can only tell you what I know, I been there." One factor remains with and between any broken relationships, examine yourself. The bottom line of most of my personal issues stemed from letting go of the hurt and holding on to the growth. Hurt is to help someone else through and the growth is to help them take steps to a healthier person within and for themselves.

"Ma, (as I call her) if you gonna forgive him, forgive him if you don't want him let go, the only person hurting more behind the rerun of your emotions is you. When he attempts to try let him, don't scold him. When you are tired of being tired of being sick and tired you'll let go and live on. The stress behind this isn't worth the effort." An awkward silence came over us and not even a few minutes later he did something to make her smile and she still had snide remarks, as some moms do. "Momma, you doing it again." She laughed and admitted her hurt behind him and she acknowledged the weight of his burden. My mom is 57 and should be living her life happy, the weight of him cheating and the children he has had since they been together are beyond weighing her down. His youngest, and even she is a manipulator is 5. The insight behind the scenes are extreme believe you me.

I started this blog this morning because, I had a dream that he and I were arguing worse than we did on this past Mother's Day. My flight was scheduled to leave the next morning, my only thought for  my mom was, "I don't want the next time I come back home be, because of her passing." I know pretty drastic, but I am a realist, and even her doctor told her the stess of him would harm her.  Ohhhh you had to be a fly on the wall, to grasp the reality behind it. The sort of oddest thing behind my dream was that our supervisor (my mom and I use to work together, we kept work work and home home, I loved it that way I know I would see and hear from her) had the same dream.

Now, I am considered to be the strongest of my mothers children even though I am the youngest. I am more in tune than the others, with life and what it really throws at you beyond bills and relationships. I have God to thank for that ability. I am suppressed mourning for the worst (whatever caused me to go back, according to my dream, couldn't have been good if we were arguing the way I heard and seen) and I am in prayer cause, I need her around to witness the birth of my child.

My mom is the last of twelve from my grandma and grandpa not including the five he had with the woman he waited to marry after my grandma died in 1990. Although the five other were born, I thought that was romantic in more ways than one. So, in case you missed it or my sentimentalness threw you off that would make me the baby of the tribe and this birth would be my first to end the "my generation".

Mom's are important and if you don't talk to them now, when will you? Give them the flowers they deserve while they can smell them, I know I do and have. No grudge or unforgiveness is worth the effort of the weight. I love my momma and I log on my instant messenger at least three to four times a week to tell her while she's working.

That's her on the left and my cousin which is her niece on the right. Monkey and Whip Whop, ironically next to my mom is the daughter to the niece and her daughter and I took a picture together right after them. This was at our last year, company Christmas Party which is exactly why you see light bulbs hanging from her ears. I love her dearly also, Lupus has her. That's for another "Ships" segment. Take care, forgive and love while you still can say the words and live harmony. With forgiveness there really can be peace on earth. :) Bless you.